Foster Adoptive Mission

March 2001 remains forever fixed in the hearts and minds of Doris and John.  They mark that as the date that Doris began her mission and John became her helpmate not only in marriage but in her calling to care for Connecticut foster children.  That was the month they became licensed foster parents.  Doris is a big believer in the power of prayer and knows that God led her and John to fostering over 33 children during the past 9 years.  She recalls a time when she and John were still dating and attended a church service together.  An evangelist was speaking that day.  He walked right up to Doris and said, “Children, children, children!”  At the time, Doris recalls, “I thought he meant I was going to have a lot of children.  I was already 36 and thought really?”  She recalls his words as being prophetic.  “I think back and it’s always been about kids for me.  Not too many people can say they are doing what they love, what they are meant to do. I’m lucky enough to be able to say that.”

Doris says she always wanted to be a foster parent and John has always been big on giving back to the community.  In 2000 John noticed that DCF was looking for foster parents.  He asked Doris if she’d like to attend the Open House.  Doris jumped at the opportunity.  As a teenager Doris worked with emotionally disturbed children and found she loved it.  She went to college for her teaching degree in special education.  For a short time she worked as a special ed teacher but found the paperwork and testing required took her away from the kids too much – and the kids were what she loved.  Foster parenting simply brought her back to a niche she always knew was perfect for her.   And John – he loves his wife and clearly wants to support her. He tells anyone who will listen that foster parenting is his wife’s calling and, “I am her support.”  But he is far more than that.  According to Doris, “He is a mush.  He does not take a lot of credit but I could not do this without him.  He falls in love with the kids very quickly.  John’s heart breaks constantly.  He’d adopt them all if he could.”  John also spends quality time with the kids.  He gets the kids involved with sports and his newest hobby – classic cars.  He plays bass guitar at his church and encourages the kids to develop a love of music.

Over the last nine years, Doris and John have adopted 3 of the children they fostered. Nick, age 8, Stacy, age 5, and Sabrina, age 3 are full biological siblings.  Nick was placed with the the family when he was a baby.  The girls were each placed shortly after their births.  Doris and John asked DCF to inform them if any siblings of Nick’s ever needed a home.  They feel strongly that siblings should be kept together if possible and they had room in their hearts and their home for the girls so their family continued to grow.  Both girls have been diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and the family knows that there will be many challenges ahead for them but they are clear that as a family they will not only get through them – they will continue to flourish.

This family relies on their strong faith to support them in their commitment to foster parenting.  “We could not do this without God,” says Doris. “When we get a phone call about a child I get the details from the matcher and call John.  We decide together whether this child should be placed in our home.  If we say yes, then we pray together before the child arrives and afterwards too.  We bring the kids to church to be prayed over.  I can’t do this without His help.”  Both parents believe their foster care experiences have only helped their faith to grow stronger.

Doris and John care for very young medically complex infants and toddlers for the most part.  They have cared for babies with multiple broken bones and head injuries as well as drug addicted infants over the years.  Every so often they will have an older child placed with them.  One little boy in particular had a profound impact on Doris.  He was 5 years old and was only staying overnight.  The hotline asked them to take him as an emergency placement during the wee hours of the morning.  This “little man” as Doris refers to him, was dropped off at 4 a.m.  He was bone tired and his clothes were filthy.  He went immediately to bed and slept til 2 p.m. Meanwhile Doris washed his clothes three times before the wash water stopped turning black. Doris noticed that his birthday had just passed.  When he awakened she asked him if he had celebrated.  He indicated that he had not.  “I told him we’d fix that,” she said.  “We went grocery shopping and bought cake fixings among other things.  Every time I placed something in the cart he asked if we could get two more of the same item. You see, he had two younger siblings that he took care of and he wanted to bring the food to them.”  The younger siblings were at a Safe Home and the young man in her care would be joining them that evening.  Later, when the worker arrived to transport him to the Safe Home, the little man tried to bring his dinner plate with the leftover food on it with him.   Doris says, “He was such a little man, such a protector.  He had an open wound behind his ear and cigarette burns on his back.  Short as his stay was, he had the largest impact on me.  You know, I always have extra clothes in lots of sizes on hand since then.”

The family has a wall in their home with photos of every child they’ve ever cared for.  The first child placed with them is now 10 years old and living successfully with his birthmother.  Doris spoke with her just the other day. “She said she always wants him to know we were a part of his life.”  Doris expressed admiration for the mom stating it took a lot to tell him the truth about his history.

Keeping in touch with birthparents is another thing this family does well.  Doris keeps in touch with at least 5 families as well as a few adoptive families.  “Kids love their parents,” she says.  “You can’t disregard that – ever.  You need to be respectful of the parents or you risk losing the respect of the kids.”  She appears thoughtful as she comments, “I try not to judge.  Thank God I don’t have to go down the road their parents are on.  I think – there but for the grace of God go I.”  Apparently this mindset must work well since she’s even had parents ask her to adopt their kids if they cannot regain custody of them.

Doris and John clearly love their lives as foster parents.  Doris describes the experience, smiling, “Never a dull moment!  How could you live without it?  It’s been such a blessing.  That’s what makes life so exciting – an awesome, awesome experience!”

People begin their foster care journeys in all different ways. Some have always known that they want to be a foster parent – they feel a call to care for the kids. Some are called upon to help out a family member who needs someone to care for her child while she tries to get her life back on track. Others are moved by an article in the newspaper or a movie depicting a child in need of a home. Some just love raising children and the joy children bring into their lives. Still others experience painful infertility issues and address their longing for children by fostering or adopting. And then there are others whose journeys begin in really unique ways…
Seven years ago two month old Khalid and his mother were homeless. Khalid’s mother tried really hard to provide a stable life for her little family but finding herself unemployed and destitute she entered a New Haven homeless shelter where she met Ashley, the shelter’s Child Development Specialist. Blonde haired, green eyed Ashley, a bubbly 20 year old with a love of children and a positive, upbeat attitude, made Khalid’s mom feel hopeful about the future. Khalid’s mom had a long history of alcohol and drug abuse but she always cleaned herself up during her pregnancies, giving birth four times to healthy children. Khalid was the fourth child, the only one she retained custody of and she took really good care of him.
While at the shelter Khalid’s mom eventually found a job but the shifts she was offered were on weekends when there was no childcare available at the shelter. Ashley kindly stepped in and offered to bring Khalid home with her and care for him along with her 3 year old son, Jaycob, every weekend. Khalid’s mom, having grown to trust Ashley, jumped at the chance and the bond between the two women grew even stronger. This arrangement continued for five months during which time Ashley and the boys all bonded. Still, in her heart, Ashley rooted for Khalid’s mom to do well and leave the shelter for her own place. Unfortunately, that was not to be. Her addictions proved too strong to overcome. Khalid spent more and more time with Ashley and Jaycob and less time with his mom.
When Khalid was ten months old his mom was asked to leave the shelter for using illegal substances and drinking and Khalid was turned over to the custody of DCF. Ashley was devastated. Khalid was in foster care and she could not see him. Casey Dalton, Khalid’s social worker asked Khalid’s mother if there was anyone who could care for Khalid. His mother did not hesitate, she immediately asked for Khalid to be brought to Ashley. And so began the seven month journey for Ashley, herself a single mom, now 21, to receive a special study license.
Ashley describes those seven months waiting for the licensing to be finalized as “torture.” “I was frustrated by the time it took for the license to be issued because I really missed Khalid. I did get to speak with the foster mother but I just wanted to see him and hold him and bring him home.” Both Khalid’s mom and I just really wanted him back here with me where we knew he belonged. Casey Dalton, his worker, did everything she could to speed up the process but the seven months seemed like forever. I’m sure I drove her crazy because I called her all the time to check on the progress of my case but I know she understood that I was simply concerned about Khalid.”
Even before Khalid was placed in her home DCF filed the Termination of Parental Rights with family court. Ashley continued to encourage Khalid’s mom to fulfill her contract with DCF. She regularly sent her notes and cards because she felt so strongly that Khalid’s mom needed someone to believe in her. Nothing, however, halted her downward slide. Khalid’s mom continued to visit sporadically for the next 6 months, having readily consented to an Open Adoption. She and Ashley agreed that Ashley should adopt Khalid and that mom could continue to call regularly and see Khalid at least once a year.    
Khalid’s adoption was finalized in May 2005. And although Ashley never heard from his mom again, she still remains hopeful that eventually she will pick up the phone and Khalid’s mom will be on the other end. She has even gone so far as to keep her old phone number so that if mom decides to call she will be able to reach Ashley.
Today, Khalid is a bright, handsome seven year old boy. He has no memory of his birthmom although he does ask questions about her from time to time. He and Jaycob are inseparable. And they love the little baby girl living in their home now. Ashley, still a single mom,  decided to become a DCF licensed foster family for infants last year – and the boys are very excited about it. Their faces light up when they talk about their foster sister. “I am so proud of the baby’s mom,” says Jaycob, in response to his mother’s comment that mom is doing better. Khalid joyfully declares that he “loves to sing ‘John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt’ to her when she fusses” during car trips. Both boys have a keen understanding, fostered by Ashley, that this baby will eventually leave their home. And they seem to be okay with that. In fact, they appear to be rooting for the baby’s mom to do well enough to bring her daughter home.
And isn’t that what the very best foster care is all about?

Tall, handsome and well-dressed, Charneil walks into the restaurant for his interview with me and smiles as he sits down across the table from me.  He is very open and engaging from the first sentence he utters.  Even before we order our lunch Charneil eagerly begins to tell me his story – a story with a beginning all too familiar for children in foster care. 
Charneil first remembers social workers visiting his family when he was 6 or 7 years old.  Although he did not understand at the time, his mom was on drugs.  Charneil thinks his older brother and sister tried to protect him so they kept that information from him, encouraging him to believe that their mom was okay.  Charneil says, “She used to lock herself in the bathroom for long periods of time. I thought it was like that in everyone’s home.  I mean I used to get mad at her because I could not get into the bathroom but I had no idea that she was shooting up!”  Life continued along these lines for 3 or 4 years until August 3, 2000, a day Charneil, then age 10, says he will never forget. 

“That day,” Charneil says, “My mom left at 10 in the morning.  She said she was going to the store.”  Charneil’s eyes look off into the distance as he says this and his smile is sad.  He confesses that he now realizes that his mom was probably out looking for a fix.  She left him that morning with her friend – someone he knew well and trusted.  Soon his mom’s friend “fell asleep” on the sofa but Charneil, too young and innocent to be afraid, was used to adults who “fell asleep.” A little later the DCF worker, Shelly, showed up unexpectedly.  It was a weekend but she cared a lot for Charneil and she often went the extra mile for him.  Charneil let her in.  She asked him about the woman “asleep” on the sofa – and she tried to awaken her.  At the time Charneil did not comprehend all that was happening but as he tells it now the worker figured out that the woman had OD’ed so she summoned help and removed Charneil from his home. The worker tried to explain what she was doing and why but 10 year old Charneil did not believe her.  Not his mother, he thought.  She was NOT doing drugs. Charneil’s brother and sister assured him that the DCF worker was telling the truth – their mom was a drug addict – and they had known all along but had protected him from the harsh, painful truth.

 Charneil remembers that his sister was brought to the foster home also.  At first the two siblings lived with cousins who acted as their foster parents.  One week later a confused Charneil was moved to a Safe Home where he stayed until October.  I asked him why he left his cousins’ home.  Charneil responded that they did not want him because that felt he would be a more difficult child to care for.  They had asked for his removal.   It wasn’t until age 15 that this brave young man before me found the courage to ask his cousins why he had to leave their home.  Up until that time this had simply been another mystery surrounding his history. His shock and feelings of betrayal are still evident all these years later.  “They took me away from my sister,” he declares, his eyebrows cocked and a look of pained disbelief crowding his features.  “How could they do that?”  It would be two years before the siblings would live together again.

Charneil lived with his grandmother after leaving the Safe Home.  He felt happy and safe with his grandmother although she struggled with diabetes and related health issues.  Two years later his sister would join him there.  Charneil describes the two years he lived apart from his sister as “forever.” Eventually his grandmother’s poor health would force Charneil to move once again to his aunt’s house. By then his sister, over 18, had moved back home with their mom. 

Shelly, Charneil’s social worker, helped Charneil to keep in contact with his mom.  “Once,” he says, “Shelly took me to see my mom.  I ran out of the car and into the house before she could stop me.  It was still my house so I felt I didn’t have to knock – I could just walk in.  The house was horrible.  My cat was dead and I found my mom locked in the bathroom – again – and it was then I figured that she must not love me as much as she loved the drugs.”  Soon after, Charneil’s mom was sent to prison for 18 months and family visits entailed trips on the “Buddy Bus” twice a month.  This was hard on Charneil who loved his mom very much but did not feel he could trust her.  He was often confused about how she felt about him.  It was hard to feel loved when her words and actions did not match.  Eventually her parental rights were terminated and his aunt assumed guardianship.  He would still see his mom from time to time under the watchful eye of family members and she continued to call sporadically until her death in 2007.

Two years ago Charneil graduated from high school and was accepted into a local college.  He was the very first winner of FAM’s Kay Wyrick Scholarship for African American students.   Today he continues to attend a CT state college and is majoring in Criminal Justice.  He aspires to be a defense attorney.  I would not be surprised if he became the next Thurgood Marshall!

 What makes this young man special?  He possesses a strong moral compass and a maturity rarely seen in young people his age.  He has genuine warmth that makes you feel immediately at home with him.  He is truly appreciative of the good in his life and he knows how to love.  He speaks about his family with obvious affection, especially his little cousins whom he babysits for often.  When Charneil’s mother died, he did not hesitate.  Knowing that she was penniless he immediately removed the necessary funds from his college savings account to pay for her funeral.  He speaks with great affection and respect for his social worker, Shelly.  Many times during our interview he stated that she was a source of comfort and constancy for him through the years.  He is grateful for the mentor he has had since 1999, an attorney through the Pathways Program who has been a role model and an inspiration to him.  Charneil states, “Once I had a therapist who quoted all of these awful statistics to me.  I remember thinking you don’t even know me.  Why are you quoting me all of these horrible statistics – like how many foster kids try to kill themselves. It upset me so I told my mentor.  He said that for every negative statistic there is a positive one too.  He said he believed in me and knew I would be a part of the good statistics.  This motivated me.  I didn’t want to be one of those statistics the therapist talked about.”

Recently Charneil’s grandmother passed away.  Her passing has been really hard for him.  He said that they placed his mom’s ashes in the coffin with his grandmother so they could be buried together.  He felt that now his mom would finally be at peace. 

When I left Charneil I told him it had been a pleasure to interview him.  And it truly had.  Charneil appears to have beaten the odds.  He had family to help him and a sense of purpose that pushed him to succeed. And he had caring adults who consistently and over many years believed in him.  Youth in foster care are far less likely to graduate from high school than their peers.  Less than 5% attend and graduate from college.  They are at higher risk of homelessness, joblessness and incarceration over their lifetimes.  Consistent caring adults can make all the difference for these kids.  Just ask Charneil.

National Public Radio’s Talk of the Nation aired an interview with former foster youth on April 8, 2010. Listen to the youth tell their stories.

Read all about the Mandated Reporter bill signed into law on July 1st 2009.  This law designated all licensed foster/adoptive parents as mandated reporters.  What does that mean to you?  Read all about it here…  Mandated reporters page

Watch our National Foster Care Month interview on WTNH’s CT Style:

~A day of remembrance and prayer~

On the evening of November 7, faith communities and schools across Connecticut will come together to ring their bells and raise their voices in prayer for CT’s foster children waiting for permanent homes.

The first statewide Bells of Hope was held in 2009 as a way of increasing awareness of the need for more homes for CT’s foster children.  Approximately 120 faith communities and schools rang their bells and raised their voices in prayer to raise awareness.

The 2009 list of participating organizations appears below.

Won’t you join us  this year?  Please email or call 203.706.0101 to be added to the Bells list for 2010 and receive your information packet.

Open the PDF file below for more information from last year’s event.

Bells of Hope 2009

The Story Behind Bells of Hope

Read the story that inspired this CT event :  The Story Behind Bells of Hope