Preface by Joette Katz, Commissioner of the CT Department of Children and Families
Many of the adolescent girls served by the Department of Children and Families have experienced trauma — often severe — in the form of sexual or physical abuse, separation from family, multiple placements, and experiencing death or imprisonment of loved ones. This trauma has an indelible effect on their development, thinking and decision making. Despite the fact that these young women carry with them very difficult backgrounds, they also need to understand that their decisions can have a devastating impact on their future. This story concerns a unique encounter that we hope drives home the point that teenage girls quickly grow to become young women who can pay a high price for not making good choices.
WATERBURY — It was just a room — a basketball gym, actually.
But its affect was magical. The occupants travelled in time. The girls saw their future, and the women saw their past.
The space transformed relationships. The girls and the women met for the first time; they were strangers. But the girls saw their mothers in the women. And the women saw their daughters in the girls.
The response was tears and urgency.
The girls, 19 youths served by the Department of Children and Families (DCF) who had been committed to DCF as “delinquents” by a juvenile court, live at a privately-run treatment center in Waterbury called Stepping Stone. The 16 women live at the Danbury Federal Correctional Institution. The two groups met in the Stepping Stone gym one morning in mid-October so that the women could share their stories and what the stories have taught them.
The women, inmates at the prison’s minimum security camp, are participating in the “Choices” program, which helps them come to terms with their crimes, their decisions, and how both affected their families, themselves and society. The women “process” and discuss their choices, they write about it, and then they talk about it publicly. It is a diverse group of women. Some are in their 20s and 30s. Several are more than 50. One woman is 70. Their sentences range from four years to more than 30 years. Many were convicted of conspiracy to sell narcotics. One was convicted of money laundering and embezzlement. Others were imprisoned for bank and mail fraud. What they had in common was deep remorse and loss.
One 37-year-old said her grandparents raised her and her two brothers after her mother was incarcerated and her father died. The woman wound up in prison herself for selling drugs
“I am from the projects, so drugs were all around me,” she told the girls. “If I did not get arrested, I would not have stopped until someone killed me.” She detailed how her brothers have been convicted of murder. She has not seen her children. “All the pain I experienced, I am putting others through now,” she added. “I am ashamed where my actions have taken me.”
Many women spoke of the immense loss of their relationship with their children. One mother of two said she started dating a drug dealer when she was just 12. She moved to New York City with him. He cheated on her, and she began to abuse cocaine. Then she was arrested and convicted of selling drugs. “I lost 17 years to imprisonment,” she said. “I lost everything. But worst is that I lost the ability to be with my children.”
One of the women told the girls. “I lost my home, my business and the last 20 years. I lost the ability to be a mother and a grandmother. I would hate for you to wind up at Danbury prison.”
One girl asked, “I know what it is like to visit a parent or brother in jail. How does it feel to see your kids on a visit and then have to go back in?”
The answer came quick and simple: “It was the hardest thing,” said another woman. “I saw my kids grow up in prison.” She said she probably saw her children 10 times over 20 years.
The girls and the women shared many things and experiences, including backgrounds growing up in hard, down-on-their-luck urban neighborhoods. “I grew up on the streets,” one woman said. “I grew up using and selling drugs — that was the lifestyle.
“When you get to prison, you realize how disgusting it is and how disgusting the harm is that you are doing to your family, friends and community,” she continued. “It is a domino effect.”
Several of the women talked about being abused — physically and sexually — as they grew up, about parents and siblings who died or who went to prison, about drugs being everywhere, “I repeated everything, and re-lived the cycle,” one woman said. “The first few months in prison I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking it was a nightmare. It is not a nightmare. It is real.”
Yet despite the difficult environments the women grew up in, they expressed no doubt what got them into prison: their own bad decisions.
“Don’t make the same mistakes I made.”
“Make better choices.”
“This is the time to start over. Don’t let your past dictate your future.”
“Think before you act — don’t wind up where we are.”
“Think about the consequences of your actions, especially on your loved ones.”
The words hit the girls hard. Several girls left the room in tears, including one girl who sat with her own mother — who herself had just been released from prison. This mother-daughter pair came back into the gym a few minutes later and listened. Two of the girls asked if they could send letters to the women.
“This is a real eye-opener,” one of the girls told the women. “Thank you. This took a lot of courage. I will think before I act.”
After the women spoke to the girls about their experience, two of the girls sang a song they wrote about the pain of having lost one or both of their parents. One of the two girls, whose mother recently get out of prison and attended the event, was able to express her pain to the women in a way she was never able to do directly to her mother. The women shed tears as they recognized that this song could have been sung by one of their own children. It was apparent that the women and the girls understood the pain they shared, and they eagerly huddled together around tables for lunch and to have more intimate conversations.
Jeff Powers, Executive Assistant/Camp Administrator at the Danbury facility, created the program to help the women take responsibility. “It is very cathartic,” Mr. Powers said. “A lot of them are looking at things differently.” He said bringing the women to Stepping Stone is particularly meaningful to the women because almost all are mothers, and they have limited chances to interact with their own children. “By sharing their stories, they can help others from taking the same path,” he said. “This is one way they can reach out to kids. When they were given the opportunity with at risk kids, they were very excited.”
Tammy Sneed, the DCF director of girls’ services who arranged for the women to come to Stepping Stone, said the meeting was powerful. “Some of the girls have moms and dads in prison,” said Ms. Sneed. “They also saw themselves in the women and saw it as a last chance for themselves.” Ms. Sneed said the loss of family is particularly meaningful to the girls. “They see a direct connection to the loss of family and the decisions they make,” she said. “The point is that this is your life and your family on the line.”
The girls got it. Two of them, who serve on the Girls’ Advisory Board to help the Department improve how it serves girls, said the lesson was very clear.
“I could end up like one of them — losing my family and my freedom,” said 17-year-old Dominique C. of New Haven. “I could end up in the same predicament, if I continue to do what I do.
“I have to start thinking before I act,” she said.
Briana W., a 16-year-old from Meriden, said the women demonstrated how just one decision can change your life. “I’ve made wrong decisions, and they showed how important it is to go down the right path. It showed me the right path to go down.”
Reprinted with permission from the Department of Children and Families
Understanding the Effects of Trauma on Brain Development
Published by the Child Welfare Information Gateway, This issue brief provides basic information on brain
development and the effects of abuse and neglect on that development. The information is designed
to help professionals understand the emotional, mental, and behavioral impact of early abuse and
neglect in children who come to the attention of the child welfare system.
The Child Welfare Information Gateway is a service of the Children’s Bureau, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. It provides access to print and electronic publications, websites, databases,
and online learning tools for improving child welfare practice, including resources that can be shared with families.
You may have seen her on her way to work or in a grocery store and noticed her friendly and welcoming smile. She may look a lot like one of your friends or neighbors. She might even look a bit like you. What sets her apart is that this woman, Barbara, has been a foster parent since 2002.
“I always knew I wanted to work with children,” Barbara explains. “And the 30 years I spent teaching special education were tremendously gratifying. Yet I always wanted to do more. Being a foster parent has allowed me to make more of an impact. Together with my family, I have been able to change the lives of children from all different backgrounds and a variety of circumstances. There are challenges, to be sure—as every foster parent will tell you—but the rewards have been beyond what I would ever have expected.”
There are currently 513,000 children in the foster care system in the United States, and there is a dire need for committed, caring adults willing to take these children into their homes over the short or longer term. In her seven years as a foster parent, Barbara and her husband have taken in 25 children for stays ranging from a few days to nine months. They have adopted two of these children (one a toddler and the other a teenager), who are now a permanent part of a family that also includes Barbara’s two college-age biological sons and, at present, one additional foster child.
After having done this for seven years, Barbara tells us: “Now, I wish we had made the decision to start even earlier. Each one of these children has contributed to our home and family life in a special way.”
Barbara is especially grateful for the FAST program, which sends professionals into foster homes to help address the children’s unique needs. She tells us that the first few days of a placement can be especially trying, as children act out in different ways and can be particularly needy when first separated from a parent. FAST provides the information and support Barbara and her family need to make the transition as smooth as possible. “The reward is when the child begins to trust you,” Barbara says. “The first time he comes to you for comfort or she places her head on you. Those are the moments that make everything worthwhile—just knowing that you have created a safe and loving place for this youngster. For some of these children, the time they spend in our home is their first experience of a healthy, nurturing environment. We show them the sort of home life they deserve. And I don’t mean with regard to home size or material possessions; I mean having a place to live where everyone has your best interests at heart. A place where you know from one moment to the next what to expect and don’t have to live with fear or hunger or neglect.”
Barbara’s eyes light up as she speaks of a three-year-old currently in her care: “She is so bright and says the funniest things. She has been identified as gifted by the teachers at the nursery school she attends, which doesn’t surprise me at all. I’ve met with this little girl’s mother, and she has so much potential. We are all hoping she will be able to turn things around and be reunited with her child. Until then, she knows her child is in a loving home.”
The most difficult part of being a foster parent, according to Barbara, is seeing the children leave, especially when there is no contact afterwards. “It’s not possible to adopt every child,” Barbara says, “and of course we worry about the children after they’ve left our home. We just have to take comfort in the fact that, for as long as we had them, we loved them and gave them a stable, structured family life. Sometimes, we are able to keep track of a child when he or she leaves. One of the children was adopted by her grandparent, and we get together and talk on the phone often. It is such a joy to know this child is in a caring home and is being given a good chance for a healthy and happy life.”
What makes an ideal foster parent? According to Barbara, there is no one formula other than enjoying children, being able to provide a loving home, and being willing to fight for what they need. Barbara considers foster parenting her calling and encourages others to join her in providing a temporary home for one or more of the thousands of local children in need.
Foster parenting is a commitment—and an opportunity to make a big difference in a child’s life. FAM (Foster Adoptive Mission) has presented this vignette of Barbara’s experiences as a foster parent in hopes of encouraging other caring adults to reach out to children in difficult circumstances. If you have any interest in becoming a foster parent, please call FAM today for more information.
This article was written by Alan Murphy for Foster Adoptive Mission.
The Power of Youth
“Enthusiasm is one of the most powerful engines of success. When you do a thing, do it with all your might. Put your whole soul into it. Stamp it with your own personality. Be active, be energetic and faithful, and you will accomplish your object. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is not every day that a youth is able to entrance a room of over twenty professionals meeting to discuss ways to promote foster parenting and adoption. Sixto makes it look easy. His passion and his intelligence emanate from his face; through his body language and the through enthusiasm in his speech. Clearly, this is a young man who is going places. Sitting in that room, no one would guess that this young man has had to climb mountains to get to a place of such confidence and passion and concern for youth in foster care.
Sixto was born in Bridgeport in 1992, one of at least eight siblings. His mother, herself abandoned by family when she was 12 years old to live on the streets of Bridgeport, was an addict. When he was eleven months old he and his siblings entered foster care for the first time where he stayed until he was 6 years old. During that time he lived in a number of different different foster homes. Sixto explains, “I spoke with Susie, the DCF supervisor, and she told me I moved a few times during that period but I don’t remember it.” At age 6, his mother regained custody for a year but when he turned 7 he found himself once again in foster care. He and his siblings were separated, never to live together again. Sixto remembers leaving the first foster home he went to at age 7 after just a few days because he “glued his foster mother’s hair together.” Social workers returned him to the last foster home he was in at age 6. This foster mother eventually adopted him at age 9. But Sixto found life in his adoptive home confusing. His adoptive family is Hispanic and he was immersed in their culture although he is both Hispanic and African American. In fact his first language is Spanish but he self-identifies as both African American and Latino. He often felt that his family did not want him to identify as black. He remembers wanting to perform with a dance troupe in front of a primarily black audience but being told he was not allowed to. And then in eighth grade he attended a school where almost all the students were black and he began to identify with them and African American culture. This created tension in the home which continued to escalate resulting in a disruption when he was 15. He remembers the school social worker meeting with his adoptive mother to explain his feelings and DCF workers meeting with him and the rest of the family. Finally, he simply left and DCF was once again contacted on his behalf. The social worker attempted to reconnect him with his adoptive family, however, by this time, his adoptive family had moved so he did not even know their address, and although he did speak with his adoptive mother by phone he did not wish to return there. A decision was made that he would return to foster care and he was placed back in the custody of DCF under an Order of Temporary Custody. “Kim Soto is my DCF social worker. I love her and can talk to her about anything,” he says.
Sixto picked his new foster mom from among his acquaintances at church. This bright young man deliberately chose someone and requested that she attend PRIDE class to become licensed to foster him. She did and he stayed with her for a year. Once again he moved, this time to a foster home near the projects in Bridgeport where he lived for a month. Sixto remembers, “Imagine a black gay kid who has to walk through the projects to get to school.” He shakes his head. “Uh-uh. Something was bound to happen.” Bags packed, he moved once more to the home he lives in currently. Sixto speaks of Ms. Hall, as he calls her, with respect. Living with her has worked for both of them. “This year,” he says, “I will graduate from Bridge Academy.” He is academically ranked 5th in his class at Bridge, which is a college prep charter school. He has big plans for college. He has applied to a number of colleges, including Harvard where he recently was awarded a personal interview. He has already been accepted at Morehouse, UNH, Southern and Clark in Atlanta.
About college Sixto says, “Foster care is my passion. I want to major in political science and social work.” To that end he is very involved in foster care leadership. He is the chairperson for the southwestern Youth Leadership Board, a group of committed youth in foster care who work towards improving the lives of foster youth. He is a Young Fellow at Jim Casey Youth Opportunities Initiative where he recently attended a leadership program for foster youth in St. Louis, Missouri. Sixto confidently voices his opinion, “There’s an obligation to get involved. If you don’t then you’re accepting the system the way it works now. We are the ones really experiencing it. “Foster parents,” he continues, “have an obligation and job to help the kids. The most successful kids come from the best foster homes.” In many cases he is correct. Good foster care helps kids to thrive and excel, however, perhaps Sixto is the exception that proves the rule as his experiences in the foster care system have been far from exemplary. In fact, he is writing a book about these experiences and the need for system change.
So, what has made the difference for Sixto? It seems that this young man simply has incredible drive and inner strength along with an ability to see the possibilities in every situation. He says he is happiest when advocating for changes in the foster care system. He also has a wonderful mentor. Jeff Vance has been mentoring through the DCF mentoring program at the YMCA for 7 or 8 years. He has mentored 15 to 20 youth in that time and currently mentors Sixto and two other youth. He and Sixto have done everything from working together on school work to more fun outings and events Jeff threw Sixto a birthday party on the occasion of his 18th birthday. “Last year for his birthday I rented a hall and hired a DJ for Sixto. It was the first time Sixto ever had this and it made me just as happy as it made him!” Jeff stated with obvious joy.
Jeff and Sixto share another interest – politics. Sixto worked on Governor Malloy’s election campaign and is very politically active, counting among his friends Mayor Bill Finch of Bridgeport. Jeff also once held political office and takes obvious pleasure in knowing that his interest in politics has permeated down to his mentee. “Sixto is a wonderful young man who will continue to accomplish great things in his life. I would not be surprised to see him in elected office.” Jeff describes Sixto as a good speaker and “a voice of the future.” Asked why he thinks Sixto will be successful, Jeff takes no credit and states, “Sixto is passionate about helping people and social and civil rights. He has read a lot and taken an interest in human rights. He has overcome a lot of challenges in his life. He really wants to change things. He is actively involved in a myriad of boards and organizations. He is very resilient, able to bounce back and transform that experience. He actively works to bring positive change. This is something that is in him and has been for a very long time.”
Sixto wants prospective foster families to know that being a foster parent to a teen is life-changing for both the teen and the parent. Asked what he would like to say to prospective foster families he thought for awhile before answering, “Their role is the most important role in all of this. They can either ruin a child or make a child’s life. It’s like that line in Spiderman, ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’” He hopes that more adults will consider fostering and mentoring youth. He knows that teens need and want homes where they can be accepted and loved for who they are. And he wants everyone to know that he will remain involved in the improving the circumstances of foster youth well into the future. There is no doubt that this engaging and bright young man will do just that.
This article was written by Deb Kelleher for Foster Adoptive Mission.
Preventing Teen Pregnancy in Foster Youth
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy has produced a video to help educate foster families and professionals in child welfare about addressing this important issue with youth.
The National Campaign has also published a brochure for teens that you can download and print called:
Read all about the Mandated Reporter bill signed into law on July 1st 2009. This law designated all licensed foster/adoptive parents as mandated reporters. What does that mean to you? Read all about it here… Mandated reporters page
